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A Christmas to Surrender...

Dedicated to Gabriella Ann "Gabby" Collins, January 24, 2007-March 31, 2025, and Austin Hayes Waters, December 19, 1994-January 28, 2025, and all their family and friends who love them so dearly.


Several years back, if I had read this blog, or virtually any other similar message, I would have disregarded it thinking, she doesn’t know my pain, she must not have challenges like I have, life must be easy for her, she doesn’t live in my brain, etc., etc., etc. I was a master at disregarding anything that could have actually helped me. I was a master at disregarding anyone else’s pain because I was so damn stuck in my own. I was a master at disregarding anything that could have a chance at pulling me slowly out of the misery I had created for myself because it was comfortable there. 


While I would have logically thought, “Who would choose to stay stuck in their own misery?” That’s how I lived my life…for decades. 


It may sound trite, but it is simply fact. Bad, sad and tragic things happen and life is simply hard sometimes, oftentimes in fact. And yet, each one of us has a choice of what we do with the pain we experience in this life. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t mean we don’t need to feel the pain. It means after all of that, it’s our choice whether to stay stuck in it or pull ourselves out. Not hope or wait for someone else to do it for us, but to dig deep, ask for help when we need it, and pull ourselves out of whatever funk and sad state of affairs our life has become. Because…


We each have this one single, solitary life to live. And it’s up to us to make it a good one. No one can do it for us. No one can make us happy. We have to do that for ourselves. And yes, it takes work, but yes, it is worth it once we are willing to face the pain, feel the pain, and work through it to come out the other side and perhaps one day encourage someone else to do the same.


In my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, I share the story of my daughter Kylee's desire to end her life. It was an unbelievably painful period of her life, and it was a horrifying time for me as her mom. I feared she was going to die and the only way I could think to help was to model facing the pain I'd been running from all my life. Ultimately my efforts may have had nothing to do with her choice to live, but because she did find the courage to stay alive and face her own pain, we have each learned to not only survive but to thrive. Each of us facing our own fears and acknowledging we cannot control everything in this life is what instigated and changed the trajectory of both our lives. 

There's no way to summarize this part of the story, but suffice it to say, from Labor Day 2017 until December 25, 2018, I feared losing my daughter to suicide every single day and it was torture for both of us. But on that Christmas Day, I received what felt like a true Christmas miracle and the best possible gift ever. 


Excerpts from Brave Enough To Be Bliss

At 12:53 a.m. on Christmas Day, Kylee sent me the following poem in a text. I was setting out Santa gifts, filling her stocking (yes, I will do these things all my life because it brings me joy to do them), and doing laundry, so unfortunately, I didn’t see the text right away. As I slowly read through every word, fully understanding the significance of each, a flood of tears, filled with relief and joy, began flowing from my eyes. This was the moment I began to believe she would not only survive but would begin to live again. 

 

I Surrender (Written by Kylee Bliss on December 25, 2018)


I surrender.


You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to it, so from here on out I surrender.


I surrender to the fact that life isn’t perfect, life isn’t fair, and life will hurt you. I surrender to the fact that no matter what, the worst thing is never the last thing.


I surrender.


I surrender to having faith that something good comes out of everything if you let it and everything happens for a reason. We may not ever get to know the reason and we don’t have to. I surrender to believe that no matter what happens, I can and will find the strength to overcome it.


I surrender.


Surrendering isn’t giving up, and it isn’t saying no. It’s saying yes to whatever life throws at you. It doesn’t mean it’s right; it doesn’t mean it’s fair and it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell, but it is accepting that it’s there and that it’s happened. It’s finding light in the darkness and the will to overcome.


I surrender.


I surrender to let things be as they are and to accepting that I can’t always be in control. I surrender to asking for help when I need it and to knowing it’s okay. I also surrender to not being okay. I surrender to being me, to choosing me and to eventually finding joy through all the pain.


It’s my time, I surrender.


I responded with this text message…

I just saw your text and ran upstairs to give you the biggest hug and squeeze you so tight. I knocked and came in and even that didn’t wake you, so I know you are sleeping soundly. It may be the champagne or your medication, or I hope it’s because you surrender. I love you oh so much and am so very proud of you I could scream with elation. You may have to surrender more than once but it gets easier every time. Old patterns, old ways of thinking are sometimes hard to break. But you can choose to surrender as many times as needed until you don’t need to anymore because the pain isn’t there like it once was. This is huge and wonderful and the start to a life that will bring you such goodness and joy. Probably some pain too from time to time, but so much more joy because you will learn how to have the life you deserve, the life you were born to live. With every person you care for you are already choosing light. You’ve been doing it for others, so now you have to do it for you...choose light for you! My heart is so full, so overflowing with your decision to surrender. Every word is so meaningful and so full of hope and so strong and bold and YOU! Thank you so very much for sharing this with me and I will do anything I can to help you through your journey any day or night, every day and night. Whatever you need, I am here, just say the word. Can’t wait to go with you to celebrate and symbolize and remind you with a lasting mark on your arm to commemorate this decision. Will be my profound honor and joy to be with you. I am so truly filled with joy unlike any in my lifetime. Even more than your birth because this time it was your decision to come into your life, not mine. You are choosing light over darkness. You are learning to live not merely survive. You are goodness and love. You are a brave young woman, and I admire and love you to infinity and beyond!!! ❤️😘❤️😘


On New Year’s Eve, we returned to the same tattoo shop, and each got another tattoo symbolizing each of our decisions to bravely move forward accepting that life…is…hard, but believing it is worth it. 


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Kylee used to tease me that she didn't want to be anything like me in her healthcare career, she had no interest in doing "all that paperwork." Both our careers took a little different path than we expected, but we've both ended up working with hearts. Her nursing career as a cardiac nurse has her working with patients whose hearts are physically hurting and mine now has me working with people whose hearts are emotionally hurting.


There are all different kinds of heartbreak in this world and while some of those physically hurt hearts truly cannot be mended, there's not one emotionally hurt heart that cannot heal where there are desire and effort to work toward healing. Great hope is possible for every figuratively hurting heart, and often the most important first step simply comes in the form of surrender. 



If there is nothing calm and nothing bright in your life, and when you need a human loving presence to begin your healing journey, I am here to listen, encourage, guide you toward your own answers, and help mend your broken heart. 


When I began working with my self-compassion coach, I struggled to say hard things out loud, but I could write about them. I learned that it wasn't as difficult for me to answer questions if I could share the hardest parts in writing. If you also struggle to communicate verbally, you may want to consider communicating with me through email. You can simply share about what has hurt you, what shame you carry, or what challenges you have in your life and relationships. I would be honored that you trust me enough to share your story. The time slot you choose will reserve time on my calendar for me to read your communication, but you are welcome to send it at any point prior to the reserved time, and you do not need to be available at that reserved time. You will receive compassionate and supportive feedback within 48 hours of the reserved time. The $75 fee includes my time to review your email, and all remaining time will be spent crafting strategies for your consideration and/or additional email communication between us until all time has been used. I will provide updates when there is any available time remaining.



There is no pain nor shame that cannot be healed. You need only be brave enough to seek help. If you don’t yet have the self-compassion to do it for yourself, do it for someone you love knowing that unhealed pain is likely hurting your relationship. Then somewhere along the way, you may just find yourself learning to do the work for yourself. Find whatever motivation or inspiration you need to make the rest of your life the best of your life. It’s never too early and it’s never too late to become all you were created to be.


You are not alone, even if it feels that way right now. Whatever pain you carry, I care it is there and I am sorry you were hurt. I believe in you and your ability to find healing. I believe you can face your deepest pain and not only survive it but learn how to thrive.


I know one day if you take this brave step, you will be able to come out the other side ready to share your story with others to help them find healing. Dig deep and find the courage. Connect with your heart and soul and learn how to manage your thoughts instead of letting your thoughts control your behavior and negatively impact your relationships. It’s OK to be afraid and yet forge ahead anyway. That’s being brave enough to be yourself and brave enough to be happy. That’s finding your own bliss.


 Love begets love.


Healing begets healing.


“And one day I decided that instead of continuing to put band aids over bullet holes, that I would clean and mend my wounds, even if it meant it would hurt for a while before it got better.” Unknown



 
 
 
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