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It’s just a bad spot…

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I was with a friend last weekend who understandably didn’t eat a "bad spot" in a piece of pineapple, but as I pushed it off the plate and down the garbage disposal, it occurred to me that is how we sometimes treat people when we identify something that doesn’t appear quite right or that concerns us.


We can often see or feel bad spots in fruit when we are making selections in the grocery store, but sometimes like with the pineapple, discoloring occurs after cutting it up and that is generally harmless and could simply be a process of oxidation, ripening, or internal breakdown from the way it's being stored. Other times during handling and shipping, bruising occurs that can’t be detected from the outside.


The bad spots can certainly make some produce look less appealing, but they can also signal mold, fungus or bacteria. The entry points can facilitate decay, and the spots can get larger, softer, more discolored and potentially release toxins making the fruit unsafe to eat. You can find guidance online about what to look for to determine if the spots are likely safe and can be cut out or if the fruit needs to be thrown away. 


Human bad spots can oftentimes be detected through some type of unpleasant, disruptive, or hurtful behavior. These humans, who could be any one of us, have likely suffered past emotional injuries that have discolored their lives and left a lasting mark. Sometimes these marks remain close to the surface and are easily visible, but sometimes they are pushed down very deeply within and similar to fruit with a hard outer shell some humans are masterful at keeping them hidden.


Sometimes people have a single bad spot they are ashamed of or sometimes there are countless bruises inside because they’ve been tossed around carelessly suffering injury after injury until there’s nothing left inside that hasn’t been damaged. Oftentimes, these humans believe if they allow someone to get close enough to see their bad spots, they’re going to be thrown away because they believe no one likes a piece of fruit or a person that has been beaten up and is all discolored inside. These people often fear, just like a bad piece of fruit, the only thing they’re worthy of is the garbage.


However, unlike for fruit, healing these bad spots in humans is possible, and at any age no matter how long it has been since the initial injury occurred. Sometimes the unhealed pain remains an open wound, which in physical medicine would be referred to as a non-healing wound. The wound never has the chance to scar over because the human gets comfortable living with the wound, won’t ask for help, and won’t make lifestyle and nervous system adjustments that could bring healing and hope for a brighter future.


There are countless ways that bad spots can be created inside a human. Humans can intentionally or unintentionally hurt other humans, even those they truly love. Learning that about 95 percent of our behaviors are driven by our subconscious mind was a huge awareness for me. It told me that unless I'm paying attention to my behaviors in the moment or at least willing to reflect upon my behavior, I'm going to go through this life inflicting pain upon other humans without even being aware of it, apologizing for it, or understanding it so I can change.


My ability to have compassion for all humans came from an awareness and acceptance that we all experience some level of pain in this life. When I decided to start healing my wounds so they wouldn’t continue affecting my behavior, it wasn’t easy. But looking back, it was so worthwhile, and I only wish I had started before I got married, before I had a child, before I hurt many people I cared for deeply and truly loved. So, I share my story in the hopes that others might be inspired to learn, grow and heal so they don’t continue hurting the humans they love, and can learn self-compassion, and through that increase the level of compassion they can show others.


There are no humans who have so many bad spots they are unworthy of being loved. It’s actually the absence of a human feeling cared for and loved that allows the bad spots to fester and grow similar to fruit that can become dangerous to consume. Comparatively, humans in this state don't only cause emotional damage but sometimes they go a step further and torture, rape, and kill other humans. While doing any type of harm to others isn't excusable, it can be understandable when we take the time and care enough to learn about the human behind the behavior. The humans who can do this sort of damage have likely been hurt themselves so severely that their minds become ill allowing them to be able to do such things. They likely survived to that point through numbing and dissociative behaviors where they don't even feel their own pain or the pain they are inflicting on others.


While, in reality, statistically these individuals are few and far between, these are the people we tend to fear most in life because it's the ones we hear about the most. While stranger danger can be real, it is rare. The following link shares what happens much more often related to physical violence.



RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, is the largest anti-sexual violence organization in the United States. On the RAINN website, it's stated that 60 percent of rapes are committed by someone known to the victim and 93% of child sexual abuse victims under 18 know their abuser.


I don't share this information to create panic; I share it because keeping it unknown perpetuates the problem. It isn't talking about scary things that makes them happen, it is NOT talking about scary things that keeps people uneducated, unprepared, feeling unloved and from beginning their healing which is what can truly help stop the cycle of fear and violence. We can’t heal a piece of fruit, but when love is patiently and consistently given to humans it is possible for their protective walls to be lowered over time where the love can get in. And where love can permeate, it is never too late for healing. Hurt humans are capable of inhumane behavior, but no human deserves to be unloved, uncared for, and treated like something only worthy of being tossed in the garbage like a bad piece of fruit.


It takes time, effort, patience, and consistency to love people who have bad spots when their behaviors are hurtful, or confusing and when they push us and our love away. But it's the only chance we have to change our world. Some people don't even believe they are worth saving, they believe they belong in the trash.


Watch the video in the link below and really listen to the words. Look at his face as he sings. This is his life, not just a song he's singing. Words like, "Somebody save me, me from myself, I've spent so long living in Hell," and "Somethin' inside of me's broken, I hold on to anything that sets me free," and "I'm a lost cause, baby, don't waste your time on me, I'm so damaged beyond repair, life has shattered my hopes and my dreams."



And if you think "people like that" have to look like Jelly Roll, you are so wrong. Miserable, unhealthy, hurting, lonely people who feel like a lost cause, who feel so broken they cannot be fixed, existing in a living Hell, feeling damaged beyond repair, without hopes and dreams...those people exist in every tax bracket, in and outside of prisons, on and off the streets, in homes and without homes, addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, exercise, food and work. They can be of any race, religion, marital status, some are employed and others are not. They're not always as easy to spot as a bad piece of fruit, but they can be rotting away beneath the shell of the human they are just the same. I wrote a 458-page memoir complete with photos to prove it. (GBliss - Brave Enough to be Bliss)


“It’s easy to judge. It’s more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and a willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding, we grow.” Doe Zantamata


Healing my bad spots with self-compassion and through self-awareness and self-reflection made all the difference in my life. I found help because a pastor offered to pray for me and despite my lack of faith, I said in my mind, "You want to pray for me, I'll give you something to pray about." And I shared with her what I was going through, and she connected me with the someone who would "save me, me from myself," just like Jelly Roll sang that he wanted.


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Once I was able to see the reality of my situation, that the so-called Hell I was living in could all be boiled down to one word...FEAR...and one resulting behavior...CONTROL...and could acknowledge I had bad spots that needed to be healed, and did the hard work to begin that process, a whole new world opened up to me where I knew my future didn't have to be the same as my past misery. I'm so glad I made that decision to face my pain, to work through it, to come out this side where I can see hope and joy and fully feel all the love, even while there are times I am still scared and confused and have to make the decision to heal something else that has arisen. But that...is...life, and today, I'm actually glad I'm living it!


“We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison



 
 
 

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