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Becoming brave, again...


This morning, I was reminded of how paralyzing fear can be. It's similar to a first glance of this photo, it looks like the pier will be a perfect place to go sit and admire the ocean but as you look more closely you can see it was damaged in the last hurricane and has yet to be repaired so walking too far out can be treacherous, even life threatening according to the sign's warning. And that reminded me of fear and the alarm signals that go off in our brains based on past pain. Sometimes it's a beautiful safety mechanism and sometimes it's quite treacherous and can even be life threatening.


As I thought about this further, I remembered how much fear used to drive my thoughts and behavior. And I became aware of how much time I have wasted...no rather, how much time it has taken me to learn this lesson and how many times I have had to be reminded that when I allow fear to guide my life, I will not be able to experience all the joy that is intended for me.


When I began writing my memoir two years ago, I had no idea the direction my life would take when I completed it. I simply trusted the voice in my soul that said I needed to be brave enough to write it. But to be completely honest, when it came time to proof and edit the book, I counted on the person I hired to do that. Sure, there were brief periods of time I could sit down and read a few of the chapters while making the edits the proofreader suggested, but read it from front to back, nope, I couldn't bring myself to do that. And because of that, I have allowed fear to take over my life...again.


I have periodically wondered why very few people have read my book, even those who purchased the hardcover version, but finally I had to turn the question toward myself when I remembered that I haven't even read my book. Sure, I read each chapter after I finished writing it, but at that time, I was already there, fully experiencing whatever I was writing about, so it wasn't hard to stay in those feelings a little longer and read what I had written. I was already in those feelings.


I don't think people, including me, haven't read the book because it was poorly written or doesn't have wisdom to share. I don't worry that it isn't worthy of being read or doesn't have value. Quite the contrary actually, I think it has tremendous worth and value. I think it's simply hard for most of us humans to willingly step into the reality of the pain in this life we live even when it's someone's we could learn from.


If we accept pain as the inevitable part of life that it is then we will know it's coming and most of us prefer to live in the fantasy world we've been led to believe we could have if we just worked hard enough or convinced ourselves we could have if only we found the right person to share it with, got the right job, had a family of our own, had enough money, etc. We so want to believe that a life of perfection, a life of happiness, a life without pain is possible. So, when something happens in life that is contrary to that, we search for answers blaming ourselves, each other, our parents, the government, or often God. Because if we have an answer to why the pain came, if there's someone to blame, then we can convince ourselves there is something we can do to keep pain from visiting us again. We can regain a feeling of control instead of feeling fear.


And when we find that answer or blameworthy source, our brains convince us that we are safe and we stick to that story as if our lives depend on it, and sometimes they literally do. Whether it's burying the pain so deeply we don't even consciously remember the experience or relive it every single day doing everything we can trying to prevent it from happening to anyone ever again, we unknowingly allow the experience to run, and sometimes, to ruin our relationships and/or our lives.


On the surface level, it appears the pain causes the suffering in our lives, but I believe it is rather the fear of fully feeling and accepting the reality of the pain that actually creates the ongoing suffering and limits the joy we can experience in living each day. The following italicized excerpt from Brave Enough To Be Bliss includes the first epiphany I share in the book.


Section II, Chapter 1—Fear & Control

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” Marie Curie


“What is your biggest fear?” I was asked.


“Flying,” I answered.


“Well, I guess it’s actually heights.”


“No, to be honest, it’s the fear of falling.”


“And, I guess…if I really think about it now…it’s the feeling I can’t catch myself, that there’s nothing solid beneath my feet.”


“OK, I get it now. I see where you’re going with this, Ginger, and I’m not really sure I like it, but…”


“The fear is, I do not have control. That is the fear.”


Aha, the epiphany.


When I questioned myself, when I got beneath the easy answers and summoned the courage to peel back all the layers, to look deeply within about how I really feel, not how I think, but how I feel…that’s when I was able to see what was holding me back from the beauty of living and experiencing all this life has to offer.


Fear and control.


“Fear doesn’t want to feel itself, it’s actually afraid of itself. So people utilize the mind in an attempt to manipulate life for the purpose of not feeling fear.” Steven Alimaras


When humans are scared, we seek control, but I didn’t learn that until a few years ago. So, instead of acknowledging and expressing the fear, understanding where it’s coming from, and learning how to deal with it in a healthy way, I unknowingly negatively affected myself and my relationships by attempting to control a situation or another person.


Asking ourselves and each other hard questions can improve and even save relationships, jobs, and sometimes, even lives like mine. I believe we all have the power within to contemplate and eventually conquer every one of our fears. One…by…one. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it.


I believe we all innately know our own answers and therein lies the secret to…finding our own bliss.


“Understanding yourself is power. Loving yourself is freedom. Forgiving yourself is peace. Being yourself is bliss.” Unknown


Resources


I read countless books, listened to podcasts, watched videos, saved inspirational quotes, took classes, spent a lot of time, energy, and money, and while I learned something about myself or others from these helpful tools, none were the answer because I don't believe a single answer exists and that's why the process of understanding oneself can be so exhausting and expensive. That also explains why I wrote a 458-page book, not a short story. My life of living in fear cannot be summed up because that's how many problems I created for myself and my relationships by trying to feign perfection, a life without pain, instead of accepting the inevitability of pain in this life.


So, it's time for me to read my own book. Reflect on what I already learned, but since have been too scared to remember. Brush up on the self-reflection that allowed me to write it in the first place. Be brave enough again to live into the lessons of surrender, grace and trust that came through healing, writing and learning how to truly live into my calling of service to other hurting humans.


Toward the end of the book, I wrote this, "This book is my gift to each person in this world given without condition of payment or even the promise of it being read. It’s simply my gift offered in loving kindness because I believe you are worthy of receiving the best I have to offer even if I had to walk through some pain to prepare it for you."


It is a gift that I never gave myself and instead I allowed fear to take over even after fighting so hard, so long to find faith in myself and faith spiritually. After the book was published, I didn't know the answers to the questions, "What do I do now?" "Where does my career go from here?" "Where will I live?" "What will become of me?" "Will anyone read and benefit from the book I invested everything into?" "And if they don't, will it have been a waste?"


And perhaps the answers to the last two questions are the only ones I need to find, and they truly could only be found within me. "Will I read and benefit from the book I invested everything into?" "And if I don't, will it have been a waste?" I now know the answers to both are, "Yes." While I had hoped to help others through my writing, I am truly the only one I can control, so the question had always been about me, not other people.


Now that I have realized I allowed fear to creep back into my life, I can figuratively keep sitting by the dock of the bay, or I can do something to change it. First awareness through self-reflection, then action.



Today I began reading, relearning and again growing into the person I was created to be by listening to the voice of my soul that led me to write in the first place instead of the fear-driven voices in my brain. And I invite you to join me (Book | Ginger Bliss). Every big endeavor begins with a single small step forward believing something positive can come from even the most painful parts of life.

Jay Jay Douglas: The first step isn't hard it's just honest



 
 
 

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