Fearing feelings...
- Ginger Bliss
- 13 hours ago
- 6 min read
My daughter has always been quite expressive and I love that about her. It's not hard to figure out how she's feeling as her face tells the story. She is now a nurse and has said that even with a mask on, she's afraid people can tell by her eyes or the furrow in her brow exactly what she's thinking. And she's probably right because in 2018 when we were on a vacation, I asked her to hold one of those looks of disgust she can give so I could take a photo of it. It just struck me as funny in that moment, so I wanted to capture it. That led to a photo session of us expressing various feelings. If you look at each photo, it's pretty easy to tell the feeling each of us is trying to convey. The last one is my favorite seeing the joy on her face. I like to believe it was this fun experience and being with her mom in a beautiful, tropical place but perhaps it was influenced by the wine she's holding. Regardless, it was a fun memory I will always treasure. I do know the alcohol helped me feel more relaxed allowing her to take these photographs back then, but it is the healing that's happened since that helps me share them publicly today.
For years my brain led me to believe that feeling little to nothing was the way to outrun pain. "No feelings, no pain," had become my inner mantra. A few excerpts from my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, explain this concept further.
"As a sports information employee, I wasn’t allowed to show any emotion while working at events. That was absolutely no problem for me, as showing emotion was something I tried never to do. The phrase “never let them see you sweat” was my motto. No sweating, no fear, no sadness, no anger, no boredom, no disgust, no joy, no anticipation. I just tried to keep all those feelings that could get me into trouble inside. The only one I had difficulty hiding was surprise. I didn’t like that feeling at all. I was easily startled, so it was tougher to hide. I did my very best to prevent it by constantly thinking ahead, planning, being aware of the slightest details, being as prepared as possible for all potential situations and outcomes and expecting the worst."
"Fun, that’s something I hadn’t ever allowed in my life. I was much too serious; life was much too serious for fun. And when I really think about it, why would someone who didn’t even want to be alive consider having fun? Using my name and fun in the same sentence would have been an oxymoron. Me and fun, they just didn’t go together. I had been a lot of things in my life: responsible, conscientious, dependable, thorough, punctual…you get the idea, but fun…nope. It just wasn’t something I had been known for or even had a desire to ever be. It felt frivolous, wasteful, irresponsible, unexpected…unsafe."
“The most influential person in your life is you. When you start to realize that you have the most influence over everything in your life, good and bad, it’s a game changer.” Mel Robbins
Our brains' job is to keep us alive which also means avoiding pain, so my brain was doing its job, it simply wasn't helpful to me in learning how to live a full and meaningful life with healthy relationships. But before I figured that out, I thought I was the exception to virtually everything. "Me, cry?," I would scoff with rolled eyes. "Those people just weren't as strong as I was," I would say thinking being that strong was a good thing which I now scoff at with rolled eyes.
"Healing, me?" Somehow I believed I was bigger than that, stronger than that. And oftentimes, that's how it is. Our brains have total control because we don't understand how they work and until we are brought to our knees where the pain is so deep outrunning it isn't even an option that we surrender to finally finding a way through the pain and into our hearts and souls.
But the good thing is, we don't have to do it alone. The phrases like, "No one knows the depth of my pain." "No one could possibly understand how I feel." "There isn't anyone who'd want to listen to this." "Anyone would run away if they knew this happened to me."
Those phrases aren't truth, they are just an example of the brain doing its job. But again, it's simply not helpful when it's blocking emotional healing.
I found a self-compassion coach and she was just who I needed. I didn't feel judged. I felt accepted. I didn't feel I had to temper my self-hatred. I felt, for the first time in my life, I could be totally honest with someone even in the depths of my pain and shame. And it made all the difference. In her presence, I could be myself. I could be whole. I could be flawed. And in all of that, I could still be treated with her loving kindness.
"That’s the thing I liked about Ginger Rothhaas, she said, 'we.' I never felt alone in the mess of my life. I felt I had someone with me to help figure everything out. It might have been overwhelming to me otherwise, but with someone believing in me and willing to walk alongside me while we figured it out together, that made it seem possible, not nearly as insurmountable as I told myself it would be.
"We developed strategies…
For how I could handle it when I was with people who were eating, and I didn’t want to eat.
For how I could begin to look at balance versus the extremes of empty and full. We explored what eating could look like in the middle of that, just like we had previously talked about what could bring some periodic happiness versus only feeling sad or only feeling joyful.
"And that’s generally how it went when I saw Ginger. We tackled a troubling subject, I could tell her the real deal, she responded with compassion, broke things down so I could better see what was happening, asked me questions, armed me with a plan, and reminded me to be as kind to myself as I would be to anyone else. And I always got the sense she really believed we could figure it all out and eventually, I could hate myself less.
"I left her office with a better understanding of myself, less shame, more self-compassion, hope and strategies to practice."
And in reflection, that's what I tried to offer employees throughout my leadership career. And while perhaps I wouldn't have been able to describe it this way then, I wanted my office to be a safe space for them to come with their challenges, where they could tell me the truth about whatever was happening, where we could discuss it, where I could help simplify the issue so they didn't feel so overwhelmed, and then where we could develop a plan that they could execute all while being met with loving kindness.
For years, I ran from feelings...
"That’s what happened when I felt criticized or hurt, I shut down and just wanted to get the hell out of the situation as quickly as possible."
And then I learned self-compassion and was able to actually take responsibility for my own life without judging myself, without punishing myself for being imperfect, without making my life so damn hard. Self-compassion allowed me to finally understand that the painful things that happened in my life weren't the end of it, the stories I made up about what those painful things meant about me were what had almost ended it.
Physician Gabor Maté said, "The attempt to escape from pain is what creates more pain."
My memoir shares all the ways I unknowingly created more pain in my own life and I share them so others perhaps can see how they are unknowingly creating more pain in theirs. Self-compassionate healing has allowed me to share all the bad and ugly of my life without shame, without embarrassment.
And for clients willing to learn new things, consider new perspectives, and be honest with themselves and me, that's where feelings can become less scary and healing can begin.
There is freedom with feelings when they are no longer feared.
If you struggle with feeling your feelings, let's talk. Schedule a free virtual or email appointment with me and share one thing about your relationship you'd like to improve, and I can share one thing you could do to help yourself move take one step forward toward a healthier life today. Schedule An Appointment Here