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All he's ever been is kind...

“You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” C.S. Lewis


Last month, I went to a wedding where the guest attire was formal. Knowing it would be breezy and humid at the outdoor venue, I had wanted to have my hair put up. The stylist was a lovely young woman who I thoroughly enjoyed talking with, but my hair wasn't turning out like my photo from a previous formal event I had shown her. I was honest saying what I didn't like (which used to be hard for me to do), so she kept trying to make it better even consulting with a more experienced stylist, but it seemed to be getting worse. So, eventually I just lied and told her it would be fine as it was. I paid her, including a generous tip as she really did try, and I headed back to the Airbnb we had rented. I'm not proud of myself for lying, but she had another client waiting, so I took the easy way out for us both.


While walking back I texted my daughter about how awful it looked since she had told me a similar story earlier that morning when she was having her hair styled for the wedding. The instant I got back, I removed many of the hair pins and tried to make the needed adjustments myself. Shortly after, I sent my daughter the photo above to update her that I was able to get it looking alright knowing that by the time I saw her at the wedding it might be looking awful again, but that time it would be from the wind and humidity.


There was something about the shame I felt for lying and the attempt to get my hair looking as perfectly as possible, even knowing it wouldn't stay that way, that led me to recall how the healing and spiritual journeys shared in my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, are inextricably linked. As I was writing about my very real and very flawed life, I struggled with how I could possibly talk about all the "real life" stuff (fears, doubts, relationships, sex, and even an occasional "bad" word), and on the same or next page talk about spirituality. And then I understood what I was feeling.


I grew up believing God was the judge, the overseer just waiting for me to screw up so He could punish me. Whether it was what my little kid brain took away from hearing messages in church or it was other people's comments leading me to feel this way, that is how I saw and thought about God. And feeling in general that I could only be loved and accepted when I behaved perfectly, it makes sense to me that I felt I had to try to be perfect in front of God too. And since God sees all things and knows all things, when I felt any shame, I obviously tried to separate myself from Him because the last thing I needed was to be judged more harshly than I was judging myself. Hell seemed like the only option for someone as imperfect as me, so, at the times of my life when I most needed love, comfort and acceptance as the imperfect me that I am...I isolated myself instead of reaching out for help from anyone on earth or in Heaven.


And that is why I felt so utterly alone, hopeless, and suicidal.


While writing my memoir, I felt such peace and connection to God. I wasn't scared about sharing anything. I wasn't scared of who I was or ashamed of anything I'd done. I was allowing God to help me find a purpose for the pain. I was allowing God to help me heal even further and ensure the harmful experiences of my past weren't for nothing by reminding others they are loved and they are not alone.


But after finishing writing the book, I wasn't sure where to go or what to do with my career, and I began to panic. To help explain, read this excerpt from my memoir below.


"The “jokes” and “teasing” continued into adulthood but by then I had at least gained some assurance in my professional persona. In that realm, I felt like people saw this person on the outside who was respectable, intelligent, valued…the opposite of who I felt I was on the inside. They saw someone who looked put together with a smile on her face, but on the inside, I wasn’t smiling, I didn’t feel put together. It was all fake. I couldn’t let anyone get to know me because the inside wasn’t anything like the outside. It was all messy and ugly in there. No one would want to know that. No one could possibly like, not to mention love, the real me and it was a full-time job keeping everyone from finding out who I was on the inside. The outside was bad enough for people to see, but the inside was even worse. Hell, I didn’t want to see it and did everything I could never to look. Instead, I put all my energy into appearing as perfect as I could so maybe no one would find out about the real me."


My career had been the one thing in my life I could count on. It was secure. It was the one place where I could feel reasonably good about myself, even if it was my fake self. But after all that healing, learning and growing, I didn't have that fake self to go back to anymore, she was gone. Now I am just GB Real; authentic, honest, vulnerable, and most of all...imperfect. And apparently, it's taken me this long to figure out what she can do.


The following video inspired me to begin writing this blog over a month ago. But I always know when my writing is finished, and this piece wasn't ever quite right. That is, until writing that last paragraph. I now understand what my heart has been trying to tell me that my brain kept shutting down.



I know what I want to do, what I have felt led spiritually to do, I just didn’t feel worthy of it while I was still feeling fear. I wanted to be better than that, more healed than that, stronger than that…like I needed to be perfectly without fear before I could proceed. And now I understand the old voices in my head, the really mean ones, were getting loud again leading me to thinking I had to be good at something, perfect at something before actually jumping in and giving it my best shot. And yet, I know that’s not true. I wrote about it. And that’s why I needed to read my own book, to be reminded of the lessons learned and brush up on the skills that actually helped me change the way my fear-based brain worked. What I understand now, though, is it's not a permanent fix. Certain situations may have a tendency to unleash the old voices and it's up to me to get back to the basics in order to quiet them back down.


This year I didn't celebrate Easter at church as I typically would since I was traveling home from the wedding. While driving, I did listen to the sermon online and afterwards played the following song that I had saved the week prior but hadn't yet closely listened to the lyrics. Even though the song title should have given it away, listening to the song, I realized that's all I needed to do...be honest. And being totally honest brought me right back to a relationship with God after 18 months of feeling lost and alone without Him.



All this time that I’ve felt like God has to be so disappointed in me was actually because I was disappointed in myself. The old fears in my brain had been getting loud again and yet when I read my own writing, that isn’t what I actually believe about God or myself. I believe He sees it all, knows it all, and has actually felt the fear, the despair, the grief, the hopelessness through Jesus' life and death. Easter reminded me of these words Jesus uttered on the cross, and they gave me the permission I had needed to finally be honest. "About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 'Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?' (which means 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' )." (NIV)


With this one sentence, this one human, totally real, and deeply feeling sentiment, God says to all of us humans…I understand. I have felt your pain through Jesus. This is how I can be your loving Heavenly Father, not your judge and jury. In essence he says, I didn’t want it to be this way, for you to have so much pain. But I gave you free will. I don't want to force you to be or do anything because I love you that much. I don't want robots or puppets who are forced to love and follow me. I want you to choose to love and follow me. In this imperfect world with its imperfect people, however, there will be pain in this life even if it's not what I want for you. And Jesus was my answer. I had to allow pain even to impact my perfect, human Son. Of course, he didn't deserve it and yet, I knew I had to allow it. And as hard as that was for me, it is what you need to do with your children too. You cannot keep all pain from entering their lives at some point. You don't have that kind of control, even though you like to believe you do. You can only help prepare them to walk through pain in a healthy way. Just as I was with my Son walking through his pain, I will be with your children also. You can protect them best by making certain they know that no matter what happens, you will be with them to walk through any pain they may encounter. They will not have to carry it alone. As humans, you must feel and express all of your fully human emotions. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful…all of it. You are not only allowed to feel it all…you are encouraged to be fully honest with me regardless of what you're going through. If you are questioning it all, making mistakes, or even feeling angry with me, it doesn't matter. I told you I already know everything you're thinking and doing in order to reduce the fear for you to talk to me about it, not to create fear. You can talk to me as if I am human because I have been through Jesus. Of course, honor me, revere me, love me…but never, ever forget that I love you deeply, and I understand your imperfection and the imperfect world in which you live.


While God doesn't expect perfection, He does ask that we allow other humans the same consideration He gives us. The same imperfection, the same questions, the same fears…the same humanity. He wants us to love on them the way He loves on us when we allow Him to do so. He asks us to give others the same grace He gives us. Of course, we also must give it to ourselves. It's terribly difficult to carry around our own hidden shame not offering ourselves love and grace and still offer that to others. I have found when I do these things, I feel more joy than pain because I find pure joy in the giving regardless of my present circumstances.


“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 (NIV)


I don't expect others to feel the same way I do spiritually, these are just my feelings shared to remind anyone else who has struggled connecting to God, or however they may refer to a Higher Power, that they are not alone. The following link touched my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and provided comfort and hope, so I share it hoping you will be blessed also.



And to wrap up, I'll take you back to the wedding. It was truly a picture-perfect setting for a picture-perfect wedding, but that doesn't mean my hair stayed picture perfect or that my relationship with my daughter is perfect. Neither of those things are even possible. But the good news is that I now possess enough love and grace within me for myself regardless of how I look and that she and I have enough love and grace within our perfectly human relationship for this picture to bring me pure joy.



If you need to find more love and grace for yourself or within any of your relationships, schedule a free virtual or email 30-minute consultation with me to get started making a move toward a healthier life with healthier relationships. Booking | GB Real



 
 
 

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