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The strength to move...

“I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” Anna Freud

 

As a healthcare administrator for more than 20 years, I am very aware of how a full moon can signal a bad, or at least a rather crazy night in an emergency department. So, after waking the morning of my birthday recently seeing there was a very crisp, clear full moon still shining brightly, I wasn't quite sure what to think.


As the morning progressed, however, I began to believe what a friend had said about the moon that morning, that it just hadn't set yet because it wanted to wish me a happy birthday. In other words, I began to look at the moon like I look at people. I give them the benefit of the doubt.


I also began thinking about the miles I had traveled to get to where I was standing that morning and how often I had previously wanted to do something in this life but then allowed fear to squelch the idea.


While writing my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, I reviewed the bucket list I had created when I turned 50 years old. I remember removing "Live somewhere warm" from the list because I decided I really wanted to be able to experience everything on the list and my daughter had recently told me that she and her husband had decided to remain in Kansas City long-term. So, after thinking further about what that would be like not living close to her, I decided realistically, I wouldn't ever be able to move away from her. When I spent time thinking about it, or in other words, when I allowed fear to sneak in and talk me out of even the idea of it, I gave up on the dream.



When I thought about the drastic difference between 2023-2024 and 2025, I remembered when I was writing I was deeply connected to my heart and soul and allowed those places to drive my decisions. But throughout 2025, my brain was back in charge and the old voices in there spewed their negativity and doubts without me even realizing it. That's why I was stuck in fear.


Instead of focusing on how many positive experiences there had been since I began writing the book with strength and confidence in myself and through my faith, I allowed the unknowns about the future to stall my progress and keep me spinning. Around and around with no forward progress. Just spinning in the same cycle of self-doubt and disconnection from the faith that had carried me through the challenges of not having a job, living a nomadic life with no home, being away from my daughter, other family members and friends, and reliving, realizing and writing about so much of the pain I had experienced and even more, the pain I had unknowingly created throughout my lifetime.


On January 17, 2026, my heart and soul stepped up and grabbed the reins again as I literally made the biggest move of my life.


I grew up in several Kansas small towns, got my journalism degree from Kansas State University, had my first job in sports information at the University of Kansas, then moved to the Kansas City metropolitan area and lived there for more than 30 years. I've had more than 30 residences in my life, but they have all been within two states, Kansas and Missouri. And more honestly, it seems like Missouri barely counts when the furthest I got away from Kansas was 10 miles. But technically, I did cross the border, so we'll leave it at 1-2 states depending on how you want to look at it.


I celebrated my birthday three years ago with a party I planned myself to acknowledge with family and friends just how far healing had brought me into real living (Stand by you... (gingerbliss.life). The party felt somewhat like a coming out party where I publicly stepped fully into my authentic self. And fear was not an invited guest.


Before this party, I had been the girl who would consistently decline invitations to dance, always too self-conscious to do something so freely with my body. Since I did feel safe and loved by my daughter, though, I had made exceptions while she was growing up to do some things I would have never done in front of anyone else. One of those exceptions was sometimes when we were in the kitchen, we would stop what we were doing and take a moment to dance. Another exception is shown in this photo that I'm shocked I allowed to be taken; one time when she received a pair of footie pajamas that were much too big, she told me I should try them on and we could match.


At the party, I explained a story about the last time my daughter and I danced in the kitchen which was 15 years prior. We had stopped because one time when I was wearing only socks on the hard wood floor, I slipped and fell. It hadn't ever been something we discussed before I was preparing for the party, we just allowed fear of me falling again to stop our dancing. But at the party for the first time since she was 12 years old, we told fear to step aside and danced together.


In my memoir I wrote, "On March 16, 2023, at 7:21 a.m. I woke up with these words reflecting back on what it felt like at my birthday party. 'To dance, to move about the room, talking, laughing, having the absolute time of my life just being me. I was no longer in my head. I could fully inhabit my body. I was one with it. No longer did I need to be outside of it looking in, simply an observer. I could experience it. I could enjoy being in it. I could enjoy being “in” this thing called life!'"


This photo with my daughter was taken in January when we had a champagne date (Celebrating life...) that would be our last for a while since after Christmas, I told her that I was venturing into the unknown by moving to Florida...in two weeks. I'm not sure if the short notice decision and notification was more so she wouldn't have time to think about it, or I wouldn't, but either way we made the most of those two weeks as we have each visit since like this one where she decided it's not so bad having a mom in Florida to visit during the cold Kansas City winter weather.



When I made the decision to move, I did so knowing that it isn't sunny every day in Florida. But the palm trees do still stand in the rain and that alone is enough to make me smile.


So, my 58th birthday began with a full moon shining brightly, palm trees out my window, a blue sky, a long walk in the sun at 71 degrees, an afternoon sitting by the ocean thinking back on all these 58 years have included. And that evening there was a beautiful sunset.


While looking at the sunset, I was struck by the fact that three years ago at that party I had no idea the twists and turns my life would take. There is no way I would have been able to anticipate the relationships I would gain, the relationships I would lose, the career that would end, the career that would begin, the memories that would resurface, the memories that would be made. But I know one thing, I wouldn't change any of it if it meant I wouldn't be where I am today.


I guess that is what the joy of real living does, my friends. I had heard people say such things before, but I had never experienced anything that could make me say those words. In fact, it sort of pissed me off to hear someone say them because I didn't understand. I couldn't relate. I thought it meant the same thing as everything happens for a reason which could really get me going...on the inside, of course, because back then I didn't actually share my feelings.


What I understand now, though, is that it's OK for others to state how they can make sense of and find peace in this hard life. I can choose to agree or disagree, and I don't need to try to change anyone else's mind about what they believe. I am simply at peace with what I now believe which is not that everything happens for a reason, but rather, that something good can come from whatever painful things happen in this life. We get to make the choice to remain in our past pain, or we can choose to heal from it and make something good come as a result. And for me and all that past pain, I sure as hell am going to make sure it wasn't for nothing and plan to mark off several more bucket list items this year.


It Wasn't For Nothing The Band JAREN


“If you want to live a full life, you have to tell the truth. Anything that is held together by you playing small or silencing your voice is only secure when you are not you. So that means you feel ‘secure,’ but you don’t feel safe to be yourself. When we speak the truth our relationships are invited to either fracture or deepen. The container that holds our relationship will either break or expand. Either way, we are set free.” Mark Groves

 


For access to my memoir, click on the link below. And if you are tired of fear holding you back, schedule a free virtual or email 15-minute consultation with me to get started making a move toward a healthier life with healthier relationships. Booking | GB Real





 
 
 

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