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Teach me how to love...

The following song came on after a playlist, and I thought it was a great representation of what so many humans need with one caveat, think of the word love in this song as a relationship…to be taught how to love or more accurately, to be taught how to behave in healthy ways within a relationship whether it's again or, like me, for the very first time.



While the song is referring to a romantic relationship, the same lessons can be applied anytime because the bottom line is that love and relationships are two different things.


Love can be given without expectations, freely and endlessly. Healthy relationships, on the other hand, require self-trust and self-awareness as well as mutual investment and mutual benefit. Healthy isn't perfect. Healthy models and encourages instead of blames. Healthy welcomes, receives, and reflects on feedback. Healthy offers and receives apologies. Healthy is hard because we are humans who have all been hurt in one way or another.


In my memoir, Brave Enough To Be Bliss, in Section IV, Chapter 9, Hurting or Healing Words, I write about how important words are and the difference between love and relationships. I think we do a real disservice in talking about "love" as marriage. Certainly, love is involved in marriage, but marriage is primarily a legal relationship it isn't "love." I think we confuse and damage both the adults involved as well as children by equating the two words instead of differentiating them because if people believe love and marriage are the same, then when a marriage doesn't work, all those involved can be left to believe that love failed, love hurts, love ends when in reality it is likely only the relationship. The legal relationship between two people is what ends in a divorce, but the love doesn't have to. We just think the love has to end because we want to believe that if the love isn't there, the pain won't be either, but the reality is that behavior can hurt, but true and pure love never hurts.


Excerpt from Brave Enough To Be Bliss

Section IV, Chapter 9, Hurting or Healing Words

"Another factor that complicates the use of the word love is the fact that there are various types of love, but the English language doesn’t provide different words to help differentiate one type of love from another. The following link provides one take on the various types of love."

 


"I describe agape love this way, 'To choose to give agape love is to understand and accept that the receiver’s behavior could potentially lead to one’s own pain, and yet to give it anyway, expecting nothing in return.'


"That is why I believe it’s so hard for humans to give agape love: because we listen to our brains, which leads us to avoid pain. But when the choice is made to give agape love, it comes from a place so deep inside that it’s like it bypasses the brain or the brain is so stunned by the concept it is overwhelmed and cannot even stop it. Agape love isn’t a feeling that waxes and wanes based on behavior. There are no exceptions. Agape love is not conditional on anything. It is a choice to continue to give agape love regardless of anything. When it is agape, it simply is. There is nothing that can be done to change it. It is loving the human being even when we don’t like or perhaps even detest the behavior."


While I have often stated that my memoir shares how painful experiences from my life have negatively impacted my relationships, I don't think I have shared enough about how much more the book includes. I learned so much about life by simply taking the time to ask myself questions, self-reflect and search for answers. In the same chapter, I go on to describe the love I share with my daughter, Kylee.


"With Kylee I knew I had no experience being a mom, so I didn’t even know what all to be scared about. I also automatically gave myself a little more grace and compassion because I knew I had no previous experience. She literally grew up before my eyes, so we simultaneously grew as mom and child. Because it was our first time, we didn’t have so many expectations of one another. She hadn’t ever had a mom before, so she wasn’t comparing me to the last one. It was easier to learn from my mistakes as a first-time mom because I didn’t have any past experience to beat myself up about, so I was more kind to myself, allowing my brain to focus more on the improvement versus the failure. Our relationship began with me believing she was intellectually incapable of not loving me, so my brain much more easily accepted that she did love me. I attempted to learn all I could about how to become the best mom I could be for her. I was willing to do whatever it took to have the very best relationship with her I could, no matter what that took, no matter how hard I had to work at it, no matter how much it hurt. Even when my behavior inadvertently hurt her, I never considered running away from her or giving up on being the best mom I could be simply because I felt scared. I invested in her. I invested in myself. And she invested in herself, and she invested in me. And that ultimately led to a healthy relationship."


"It is so hard for humans to separate love from behavior and the fear of potential pain, but when we do, that is when love flows from a well that never runs dry. Agape love doesn’t deplete the supply because it is a gift given without expectation or condition. It is not about the relationship. Relationships have expectations and conditions for good reason. They require give and take, replenishment, work, understanding, grace, and boundaries. Not agape. A relationship takes two people, but agape only takes one person because again, it doesn’t require anything in return. It isn’t painful because gifts given without expectation are simply gifts to be appreciated, thrown away, cherished or left unopened. When agape love is given all of those possibilities are already known potential outcomes that simply don’t matter. It is a gift purely offered from a place within that is so full of love and kindness that the receipt of the gift is simply irrelevant.


"To me, agape love is like when God states his name for the first time to Moses, saying “I AM WHO I AM.” (Exodus 3:14 NIV) To me, there is no reasonable explanation, nothing logical that I can understand or begin to wrap my mind around. And yet, He is.


"Love does not hurt. Life and human behavior, now that can hurt. But when we accept that fact, and don’t run from it but rather embrace it as merely a part of human existence, it makes the concept of agape love possible. When we understand love is different than the relationship, we can make the choice to love even when the behavior in a relationship may hurt. And where agape love is the firm foundation, healing within any relationship is possible."


The photo at the top of this blog was a gift that was given to me by a dear friend. While I definitely appreciate and enjoy every gift given to me, this is exactly the type of heartfelt, thoughtful gift that brings joyful tears to my eyes when I look at it. The giver truly knows and understands how to reach straight into my heart and touch me deeply with words that connect with my soul. When I said upon opening the gift that I love that sentence and it's so true, the giver asked, "Do you know who said that?" And I said, "No, I can't recall." And the response was, "You." It's interesting having your own words quoted back to you...and always a relief when they still hold true no matter when you first said them.


People die unexpectedly every single day, so never miss an opportunity to speak the words, "I love you," and to learn as much as you can about how to have a healthy relationship that supports the love. Because, my friends, love is what makes this hard life worth living and love is what makes a healthy relationship worth learning how to have.



For access to my memoir, click on the link below. And if any of your relationships aren't what you want them to be, schedule a free virtual or email 15-minute consultation with me to get started making a move toward a healthier life with healthier relationships. Booking | GB Real




 
 
 

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