Sunrise to subarachnoid hemorrhage...

"If we're honest, we're always losing everyone all the time. And that's why to love anything is insane, right? Because to love anything is to expose yourself to the inevitability of losing it. Like there is a finite number of times you will watch the sun set. You don't know that number, but it exists. You just don't know it yet. There's only so many more summers that you will be here to see. You just don't know the number. And so, to me, if we could just have that presence of mind when it comes to love. Like love is not permanently gifted, it is loaned. And the people you love, and the dog you love...they're loaned to you and you're loaned to them. And if you could just remember every day to treat it like something that's impermanent and that you're losing all the time. Because I'll tell you something, I think it's insane to love anything because of the pain that it's going to cause. But oh my God, man, I love that pain because it means I got to feel it." James Sexton

Last week on Wednesday morning, I let my daughter's two dogs out and stepped onto her deck to get a better view and take this photo of the beautiful sunrise. My daughter had asked me to spend the night at her house since her husband was out of town at a conference. She had been struggling with a cold for the past week, so I offered to get up with the dogs and let her sleep in. I also offered to take the bigger dog, Maverick, for a walk since the smaller one had hurt his leg a few weeks ago and we couldn't walk them together. It was my first time walking Maverick, but I felt I had watched her enough that I was prepared to manage him.

Things were going well. I looked at my watch and noted we had gone 1.8 miles and were getting very close to my daughter's house, figuring we'd finish right about two miles. We never made it there and I have no recollection why.

From what my daughter could piece together and from where I knew I had been walking, Maverick must have seen another dog come up over a slight rise in the road before I did so I was caught off guard and he must have pulled me across the street toward them. I must not have let go of the leash, so likely being pulled at a high rate of speed with significant force from the 100-pound German Shepherd, I eventually fell and hit my head on the street or sidewalk judging from the scrapes on my cheekbone and the pain in my jaw and along that entire side of my face and body. Two men were nearby and able to call my daughter with my phone, so she came to pick me and Maverick up. She took him home and then drove me to the hospital. While I don't remember anything about what led to my injuries or the ride to the hospital, I do remember that when I was asked what year it was by hospital staff, I confidentially replied 2026, but was told that was incorrect. And then when I was asked where I lived, I can remember thinking about it very, very hard, but I just couldn't remember. I knew I didn't live in the house I sold a couple summers ago, but no matter how hard I tried, I just didn't know where I lived right now. It was disconcerting not to be aware of such basic information, and my daughter told me at that point I began to cry.

While initially the doctor told my daughter it was probably just a standard concussion, after the CT results came back showing I had a small subarachnoid hemorrhage I was moved to a trauma room in the emergency department and then was admitted to the ICU. The good news is that the bleed resolved on its own within 24 hours, so other than taking anti-seizure medication for a week, having headaches, feeling fatigued, healing from a few scrapes, sore spots and bruising, I am just fine.

This whole experience, however, served as a great reminder that one can wake up to a seemingly perfect sunrise and within an hour everything can change, and life can come to a standstill or parts of it can even be forgotten. With this situation, though, I haven't spent time asking why like I would have for most of my life. Why did this happen to me? Why wasn't I paying attention? Why was I so stupid not to have control of the dog? I have accepted that life...is...hard and there will be times when accidents happen, unforeseen events occur, and even tragedies befall me. But I no longer believe it is a punishment from God or the Universe, it's not because I was stupid, it is simply that life isn't perfect, and neither am I.

Life isn't supposed to be perfect and without pain, and neither are we. We are made human. Infallible. Imperfect. Once I accepted that, getting through the hard parts is less hard because I no longer painstakingly go over how the pain could have been avoided, I simply accept it as a part of life. Not a part I look forward to, but rather a part, when it does arise, I can accept with the same grace as any other part of life. I believe if we were raised understanding that life...is...hard and pain is simply a part of life not to be avoided, but to be shared with others when it occurs, we could all be much healthier and less alone when those hard times come.

Even through the pain, I can now see and feel the love, yes even from the 100+-pound beast I walked that morning. I can see and feel the love coming in from all those who cared for me from the gentlemen who called my daughter, from my daughter's constant care during this entire experience, from all the nurses, doctors, radiology techs, and other hospital staff, from my son-in-law leaving his conference early to get back to town and make sure we were OK, from those who found out and called or texted me to let me know they were thinking of me and for checking on me now even a week later. Instead of questioning the reason for the pain, I accept the pain and watch for the love that can help get me through it.

So, love remains my guiding force through all that life brings my way. And humor never hurts either. Following is a screen shot of a Snap Chat my daughter sent after I returned to her house from the hospital. Her husband is a police detective and she is a cardiac nurse, so dark humor is how they deal with the difficulty of their jobs. And as I lay here ready to take a bath and go to bed even with the four+ hour nap I took this afternoon, I can only be grateful that I had the opportunity this experience gave me to see and feel the love of those around me and to appreciate each day moving forward that I wake up able to enjoy another sunrise.

When my time has run out, I hope I go out in service to someone else whether that is walking my daughter's dog, stepping in front of a bullet intended for someone else, or donating my organs. Because that is what makes life worth living for me, being a blessing to others in whatever way I can. I used to live in fear of most all things, people, dogs, feelings...you name it, and I likely feared it. And if I had continued to allow fear to guide my life, I wouldn't know about all the love there was to give and receive. I wouldn't have learned that I can allow others to care for me when I am weak and there isn't anything wrong with that. I am human, I can get hurt, I can become ill and there's no reason to pretend like I am strong all the time. Acknowledging how I truly feel, even when it isn't pleasant, is the most real, raw and honest thing I can do. It proves that I can trust someone else with my feelings, so perhaps they can trust me with theirs.

#braveenoughtobebliss #gbreal #mentalhealth #healing #pain #selfcompassion #love #fear #compassion